Hailey Leithauser

What Martians Think of Earthlings

They think us impossibly brave to live here where white and red and yellow flowers grow to the size of fists and sunlight burns through the mist every morning of our lives. They would rather bathe in napalm than put one of their eleven toes in our saline sea, would jump thirty feet into the air to keep from sinking one inch into our bottomless sand beaches. One night on the news it was announced that we eat three times in a day and a platoon of their soldiers committed suicide by holding their breath until they turned pink. Another time one of their astronomers let slip to the young mother of octuplets how we keep as pets cats and dogs, rather than the more logical choice of schizophrenia viruses, so she ended up locking her children away in a cupboard until therapy enabled them to deal with their grief. A worldwide movement was eventually started to censor all mention of us and this flourished with the heartfelt support of ministers and elder lodge members throughout the planet. The government was happy to supply them with funding knowing that if word leaked out of our ability to breathe oxygen, Mars would be overwhelmed with nightmares, their citizens night after night unable to escape the fear of their single large blue lung exploding into flame.